Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
