no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
COCAINE IS GR8
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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