things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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