I feel like abortions should bother me more
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
