I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
