first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
