Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize