awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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