Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize