i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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