dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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