Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
