you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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