whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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