I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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