in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
