overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
