I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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