but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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