She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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