cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
