I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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