a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
