Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
