you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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