im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
