I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
