Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
