do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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