he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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