maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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