I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
