Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
