I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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