happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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