I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
