Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
