I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
