I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
