I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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