I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you win again, gameday.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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