Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I AM VODKA MAN
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
