If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
