We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
