don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
