Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
