Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
