I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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