So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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