dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
