remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
