He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
