Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
