Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
