clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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