I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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