I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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