Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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