Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize