there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Found your dick twin last night
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Randomize
