I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
