Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
