Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
